I’m not a fan of facial hair, cats, or anything else scratchy. I eschew beards for more than a few days because I’m not going to be itchy for the sake of style. I also don’t like cats, because they are complete dicks. Not that I haven’t had cats in my life, but they make me itch and will scratch you for literally any reason.

As close as I care to come to owning a cat or beard these days is the this Cat Beard T-Shirt.

It’s just what it sounds like – a shirt that has a beard printed on it, with a cat sticking out of the hair. It’s a grey cat and beard, not because you are old, but because black cats are bad luck you know. Simply pull the shirt up and look like you have a massive lumberjack beard.

The cat beard shirt is $19.99(USD) at ThinkGeek, and should be pretty comfy to wear since it’s cotton and not made from actual cat hair or beard hair. This might be the perfect shirt for people with a hormone disorder.